She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
