Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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