I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
