i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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