ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
