I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
