Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
