I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
