I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
