so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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