I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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