I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
