My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
