I CAN MOONWALK!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
