Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
