C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
