I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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