i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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