So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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