Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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