I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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