Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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