she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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