This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
