I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
