i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i've created a new STD.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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