that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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