I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize