I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
