Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
