I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Life is so much better after having sex.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
