mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
