Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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