i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize