On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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