On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
