alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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