Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
