Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
