So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
