At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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