that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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