I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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