I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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