as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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