i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
