if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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