those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
