Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
