i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
