I haven't been this sober since birth.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize