Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
