Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
