Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
