You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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