My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
