great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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