I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
